Just type “How...” on Google and it helpfully completes your thought with “How to kiss”. It just goes to show a LOT of folks in India are looking up how to kiss. That is sort of cute and sort of alarming, which is why we decided to poll #lovetreats fans and friends, anonymously, and culled the most true and hilarious stories of kissing disasters in Bangalore.
"I once dated a girl who whose tongue kept darting into my mouth like a snake and she would run her tongue along my teeth as if she were checking for cavities. It made me feel really conscious and weird. I never really got over that oral inquisition."
Moral of the story: Kissing should not feel like a dental exam or a rerun of Nagin. Also, while we are on the subject - still chewing that piece of gum from 13 hours ago, having food stuck in your teeth, smelling like an ashtray after a post-dinner smoke is never a good idea. Ever. Make friends with listerine, mints, good old elaichi and saunf and don’t drool - literally - over your new hottie if you want them to stick around longer.
"It was our third tinder date. We had lunch and went to get a beer at his place after. While there, I figured there was 0 chemistry between us and was preparing to exit, but suddenly he lunged at me across a table and went for my lips - bam - and bit them! I tried to talk him out of this but he didn't let up, bruising my lips with his teeth. The other tragedy of the evening, was that the beer was left unfinished."
Moral of the story: Pick up on cues. People tend to lean towards you, smile, flirt, and indicate that they are game before you kiss them. Also, NO shark teeth please, even when the going gets rough and hot, may we suggest you stick to gentle nibbling? Why even the fabulously B-Grade desi Tarzan, features a passionate soft kiss between Hemant Birje and Kimi Katkar. Go on relive your youthful memories. We won’t judge you.
The Dead Fish
"I was 21, the guy was 25, we both were in university together. We were dating for a couple of months but his kissing style was stuck in high school. After initiating a kiss he would just leave his tongue in my mouth and not move it around at all. I didn’t have a clue how to deal with this giant dead fish I seemed to have snagged. Soon, I wised up and found other more lively fish in the sea."
Moral of the story: Expecting your partner to do all the work seems more like CPR than a real lively kiss. So drink a Redbull or a double shot of espresso before you go at it will ya!
"There was this super pretty girl I was dating. But once I got to kiss her it was all downhill. Her idea of kissing was to just sit and pout, like she was posing for an imaginary selfie! It was a total buzzkill when she would wait shyly with her eyes tightly shut - doing nothing. This happened thrice before I did the disappearing act."
Moral of story: While everyone appreciates a nice looking partner, a pretty face and that protein-shake-body can only go so far. However Romedy Now it sounds, you have to be in the moment, into the person, and really feel the kiss for sparks to fly.