What Does "Being Good in Bed" Really Mean?
It was sometime last month at the lag-end of a party, a few friends and I were lounging around, when someone brought up the topic of exes. “She was fantastic in bed,” recalled the friend, smiling at some distant memory (which, of course, he didn’t share with us). That, however, got the ball rolling, and soon we were all talking about the times when we had the ‘best sex ever’.
Stories ranged from one-night stands to monogamous relationships lasting decades. The funny thing though, no one talked about how well-endowed their partner was. Sure, that did come up in some other context, but that was not what necessarily made them great lovers.
In my line work as well, we get asked this question plenty of times. How do I get better at sex? How can I satisfy a woman? How do I enlarge my penis? (Presumably that’s linked to better sex as well.)
And while there is a tonne of anecdotal advice on the Internet telling us what to do and what not to, all of it can be broadly classified under three simple principles (these principles – I should warn you – have nothing to do with the size of your penis, or you mastering the Kama Sutra).
Okay, bear with me for a moment here. We’ve all heard this one, I know. But it’s not just about communicating your needs during sex that is important. A recent study has shown that it’s important to get comfortable with the overall idea of talking about sex itself. Naturally, having safe sex falls under the ‘good sex’ category and Dr Emily Morse, sex and relationship expert, says that even being able to openly talk about the basics is a sign that you’re doing something right.
Once that box is checked, take things to the next level. “Communication during sex has been linked to more sexual satisfaction,” says Elizabeth Babin, an expert on health communication at Cleveland State University, Ohio.
But why is communication so important, any way? Remember, sex is a highly personal, varied experience. What one partner might like, the other might abhor. So, talk about what both of you like, enjoy and want to experiment with (consent is sexy). And while, yes, it’s good to have a partner that understands your needs and wants, you owe it to yourself to enjoy the sex too, right? So, get vocal!
You have communicated to your partner what you want and vice versa. That’s not going to magically give you the best sex of your life. Listen. Pick up on non-verbal cues. Remember the time when you were getting it on and thought to yourself: ‘Woah, this person really knows what he/she is doing?” Chances are your partner was simply responding to subtle changes in your body language.
According to Babin, non-verbal communication was more closely linked to satisfaction than verbal communication. “It [non-verbal communication] could be perceived as being less threatening, so it might be easier to moan or to move in a certain way to communicate than to say, ‘Hey, this feels really good, I like that.’”
While this might sound really complicated, just being present and in the moment, and responding to those subtle cues, go a long way in satisfying your partner, says Morse.
Sometimes even if the sex is, say, mediocre at best, the way a partner treats you goes a long way in enhancing the overall experience. From foreplay until you walk out of the door, everything in between counts. I remember one of my exes would go fetch glasses of water for both of us right after sex. It was a very simple act, but it showed he cared. Morse agrees, “The moments following sex can be a pivotal in determining what kind of a lover he will be. To some, this might seem a little over the top, but it really makes a difference for your overall sexual experience.”
So, to quickly sum it up, be it a one-night stand with someone you’ll never see again, or sex with someone you’re planning to be with for the next seven births, being considerate, attentive and communicative are three simple ways to have the best sex of your life.
Written by Sushmita Sarkhel