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Being Kinky and my Closet

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Being kinky in a tier 3 city of India wasn’t easy. Being submissive in a tier 1 city was tougher. Being a woman was the toughest!

More than a decade ago, at 22, a late bloomer, when I discovered that I was a submissive and BDSM was the only way in which I could relate with sexuality, I thought I was screwed forever. I believed that all Indian men are pussy-hunters. I believed, I would never find other people like me who would understand why I relate pleasure with pain, or sexual arousal with the feeling of losing control.

I was conditioned to think that submissives are often taken advantage of, and the women who pursue carnal pleasures are sinful. The culture of slut –shaming was deeply embedded in my upbringing as it is. Kink didn’t make it easy. My trust issues were for obvious reasons higher, my usually vocal self at a loss of words on how to express what I expected or wanted in any relationship that hoped to extend beyond work rooms, social acquaintance or coffees or dinners.

It was certainly not easy to turn down dates after dates, wondering what would happen if they discovered that I liked to be flogged or have a riding crop used on me. I would simply say, I prefer being single. I would hunt for websites online endlessly avoiding porn and erotica since that left me hollow inside. And then I discovered some kink networking websites.

That was a game changer. I got opportunities to meet kinksters and lifestylers in India. I was super cautious initially. There were very few women; most men were married; a lot of them merely looking for rough sex in the disguise of lifestyle. The circle was small, people were judged. So the craving to connect with like-minded people was still there.

On top of it, imagine the duplicity at home. I couldn’t tell them why I didn’t want to marry. I couldn’t tell them to look for a groom who would be willing to beat their daughter, tie her up, make her kneel, or speak dirty things to her during love making. I couldn’t tell them to find a disciplinarian who was at least 10 years my senior and wouldn’t hesitate in bringing his palm to my behind should there be a need.

Telling my mother ‘I want to marry a sexually – open minded guy’ was enough to bring tears to her eyes and break my heart. But I didn’t relent. It was tough, to keep dropping hints, to keep shocking them by discussing sex, by referring to LGBT proclivities and to leave them hanging as they wondered whether I was gay or not. Till they learnt to accept that I will keep exploring and coming up with all sorts of weird notions in this world around sex, amidst other taboos.

I wasn’t a bad daughter. I didn’t want to be one, but I couldn’t keep lying to myself. The only solace was a few friends I made in the lifestyle and in the community. The few conversations and meet ups where I could freely be myself.

There came a point where it was just too much! I decided to come out of the closet. I decided to make clear to every guy who would show interest in me, that I was into an alternative sexual lifestyle and if we had to be together, this compatibility mattered! I was slut shamed, I was considered to be ‘available easily’ and I was judged. I have spent almost half a decade watching decent, gentle men convert to lewd, cheap oglers in the flick of a second, in very social and public settings, the moment I acknowledged being kinky.

However, one blessing was to find friends, colleagues and acquaintances outside the community, who grew close to me, became extended family and accepted me for who I was. Some even encouraged me to explore more of what I wanted.

Also, things changed when the infamous books hit the market. Now my dates are more aware of BDSM, they are more accepting, less assuming and more open to healthy discussions rather than lewd innuendoes. My audience is very accepting, even inquisitive; genuine.

I have built my mojo through sweat and tears, till this year I finally came out of the closet and told my parents that I am a BDSM author and speaker. I have books on BDSM. They don’t judge me any longer, my folks. They still love me for who I am – family. With the duplicity gone and with support I’ve been blessed with, life is easier now. It took me a decade to fully come to terms with who I am and to acknowledge it openly. It’s a decade well explored, I’d say!

 


Asmi Uniqus is an active BDSM practitioner and lifestyle coach based in India. She has been a lifestyle submissive for over 10 years now and is very vocal about her lifestyle choices. She believes in self–empowerment through empowerment of others; has a wide experience of writing both poetry and prose around themes of feminism, LGBT, sexuality and erotica. She has also been very active in several real-world BDSM communities and has close connections with a wide spectrum of other practitioners both in India and globally. The speaker is also the author of a series of simplified guides to various aspects of BDSM, which are undergoing the publishing process. She can be reached on Facebook or via email at: asmi.uniqus@gmail.com

Written by Bala Owner. 

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