“How can you even imagine being tied up and beaten by someone? You’ve got to be so patriarchal in your mindset!” I smiled as my ‘vanilla’ friend almost accusingly hurled these words towards me in an angry, loud voice.
I am as feminist as they come. I advocate the right to contraceptives, free contraceptives, The right to breastfeed, the right to bleed, the right to not bleed, the right to free sanitary napkins, the right to abortion, the right to sex before marriage, the right to kinky sex, the right to education, the right to conform to norms and the right to defy them! I mean the world we live in, being a feminist isn’t even a choice.
But it is sad that as a feminist, I often have to justify my choices around BDSM. I have to repeatedly explain that the choice to submit is not socially imposed. I am frequently asked how I am different from an abused, battered housewife who submits to her husband or in-laws. Well, my battered, unfortunate sister isn’t beaten out of her desire. She submits not out of choice but instead because she is coerced. Her consent is not valued, and her freedom is not respected.
I am strong and accomplished, and I decide to submit to someone who respects me and doesn’t assume my desires and consent are an umbrella agreement for anything they desire. I submit although I am not expected to. I don’t submit to a random guy or his family that my elders chose. I submit to a partner/s who understands why I choose to submit.
BDSM is very much in sync with feminism. Feminism is about letting/enabling women make their own choices. Feminism isn’t and shouldn’t be about creating a counter-norm. It shouldn’t be about trying to label women; just that instead of being a slut, you end up calling her a prude this time.
IOften we overlook the considerable overlap of the LGBT community and the leather community with BDSM. Conveniently, we ignore the male submissives and the Female Dominants (or Dommes as they are commonly called). BDSM doesn’t just have female submissives and male Dominants.
I guess everyone and everything that encourages a woman to make her choice after understanding both sides of the coin is feministic, pro-feminism and empowering. As long as the consent is well–informed, valid (taken with a sane mind and when of legal age), and non-manipulated or abused, BDSM is a reasonable, personal choice that a man or a woman in this instance may make. With that in mind, I find absolutely no conflict between feminism and BDSM, my friends.
To all the BDSM enthusiasts, to all the feminists and all the sisters in the community,
More power to you!
