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No 'I' in Sex

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In my mind, casual sex is one of the most fun things you can do. No commitments, no emotions whatsoever, and sometimes no necessity for any form of contact following the deed. As long as you’re well protected, casual sex makes for some of the best orgasms you’ll ever have.

Not surprisingly though, casual sex also tends to be incredibly selfish. You couldn’t give a f*ck about the other person (or people, in some cases), because all they are there for is to pleasure you and all you’re there for, is to have a mind-blowing shag.

Let’s get one thing straight though; there is absolutely nothing wrong with being selfish during sex. After all, you know what you want and you’re not afraid to ask for it. I know that a lot of people thrive on constant casual encounters and it works well for them. However, the somewhat fine line between casual sex and sex in a committed relationship gets quite blurred when you end up making a transition from casual encounters to being in a monogamous committed sexual relationship.

In February this year, I entered a monogamous sexual relationship with a person of the opposite sex. Prior to this, I had a nine-month period filled with commitment-free no-holds-barred casual encounters. Strangers at bars, friends I’d known from before, Tinder dates; I screwed a lot of people and I liked it. I didn’t owe anyone anything and that feeling was pretty damn powerful.

Here’s the thing about being a committed monogamous sexual relationship: unless you and your partner have agreed upon it, making sex all about yourself is generally not a good idea. I used the words commitment and committed for a reason. A relationship commitment also includes a sexual component. There is a natural give and take. You cannot expect to be the sole focus during foreplay or intercourse. In a relationship, sex has to be a two-way street.

I found the transition from casual sex to committed sex difficult at the beginning. For a couple of months after my partner and I started engaging sexually, I was unable to focus on anything else except achieving pleasure and orgasms for myself. As a result, I felt like there was something missing but didn’t know exactly what it was. Finally, my partner (because communication is the biggest facet of our relationship) told me how he felt shut out and hurt because I put no effort in making him feel good as well. It made me reconsider my entire stance on sex, because before then, I had zero knowledge of considering another person while having sex.

Eventually, I was able to pleasure my partner without making it about myself. And because we talk and laugh a lot during sex, it became a lot easier to consider how my partner felt about what I did during it.

Clichéd as it may sound, talking during sex is severely underrated. Gauging your partner and knowing what they want during sex not only helps them have a fantastic time, but it also helps you gain a sense of happiness and completeness as opposed to thinking just about yourself.

Sex with emotions and feelings is a different ballgame altogether. It helps a great deal to be concerned about the other person involved, because they feel good and you know it’s because you’re putting in a solid effort to make it happen. After all, there is no ‘I’ in sex.

By Lavanya Narayan. Lavanya is a Chennai-based writer and sex positive superhero. Her key piece of advice: never let a climber go into a ravine without his helmet on.

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