My Cart

Close

Shipped from India! Free Delivery! 100% Discreet Packaging!

The Ultimate BDSM Guide (Part 2)

Posted on

In Part 1 of the Ultimate Guide to BDSM, Asmi introduced us to the concept of BDSM and where to start if you’re a beginner. This week we dig deeper and address issues like consent, limits and then some.

shutterstock_378434035

Isn’t BDSM just abuse? A lot of it seems like abuse.
No the difference between BDSM and abuse is that of the ability to stop it. In BDSM, the three basic tenets are safe, sane and consensual (SSC); all of which are missing in abuse. In BDSM, the submissive or the masochist has the power to stop it. In the case of abuse however, the victim is helpless. In BDSM, a session is followed by aftercare, in abuse it’s all about beating. In BDSM, the intent is to derive pleasure, while in case of abuse, the intent is to harm.

But people who enjoy BDSM have at least had some history of abuse right?
Not true. People do not have to be dominant, submissive, bondage enthusiasts or disciplinarians because they have a history of abuse. A lot of people do it only as a fun activity which heightens their sexual pleasure, just like a simple kink or fetish such as tickling, or pinning someone’s hands over their head would do. Quite a few people enjoy pain because it helps release endorphins just like a heavy workout would. Similarly, people practice rope bondage because of its aesthetics. You may want to explore and read more about the Japanese art of bondage called the Shibari. So no, a history of abuse is not what defines lifestylers.

I enjoy the pain aspect of BDSM. Does this mean something is wrong with me? No it just means that you enjoy a certain sensation better than others. As long as your desires are safe for you, as long as sanity is maintained and everything that happens is consensual; it’s OK to have such desires. Gone are the days when sadism and masochism were psychopathic conditions. It’s only a desire that gives you a high like a heavy workout, or like intense love making. So, nothing is wrong with you. You do not have a history of abuse, you have no PTSDs, no self esteem issues. You just happen to like pain.

Some of it looks painful though. What if I do not want to try all that?
It’s absolutely OK to want to try some things and not want to try the others. One of the major myths around S/m that really needs to be broken is that S/m is not synonymous or equivalent to D/s. My usual verbatim for it is – “Don’t conflate D/s with S/m; they are complimentary but not same." The reason why I say this is because a lot of submissives are also sadists. A lot of them are certainly not masochists and do not enjoy pain. Quite a few Dominants are masochists, when it comes only to the sensation. For these people, pain is only about the pleasure or the sensation it brings and not the Dom-space or the sub-space. To share an example, irrespective of the fact whether I  lie down while making out, or whether I ride my partner, I still remain a woman. Similarly, even if a Dominant chooses to give pleasure to their partner or to receive pain, it doesn’t necessarily make them a submissive.

What are the limits? How do we set them?
Limits are about honesty and communication. A Dominant is not a know-it-all. So the submissive needs to discuss what are the things that make her or him uncomfortable. Different people have different limits. The first step to setting them is about introspection. I may imagine that I will enjoy being called names, but when I’m actually called a ‘whore’ it’s demeaning to me. Yet, there are situations and people around whom this word is not a deal breaker.

Limits are both physical and mental. For example, in case of people suffering from claustrophobia, blindfolds could cause panic attacks. They key is to talk, share. Start with your ‘hard limits’. These are your deal breakers; activities or things that trigger strong negativity or physical distress. Keep soft limits as activities that you’ve not tried and are not sure about; but you’re open to trying and gauging your reaction to them. The key to experimenting safely is to take it slow, steady and only with a person you trust.

What about consent? Can I stop at any time if I am not enjoying it?
Yes you can. One of the core tenets of BDSM is Consent. If you want to try the safest possible way, then SSC or Safe, Sane, Consensual is your key. If you want to try the edgy, extremer forms of activities, even then, RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink is there to ensure that your consent isn’t violated. So, if you want to stop something, use your safe word and any Dominant worth their salt will stop. If they don’t, you need to run away. Like, NOW!

Safe words are your exit mechanism. It could be a single word or a set of words that you can use to indicate to your Dominant that an activity or the entire experience is going too far. There’s a lot of responsibility that goes into the safe words. Try keeping a word you’re unlikely to use in common speech. ‘NO’ is not a good safe word. For there are moments when we utter no to shake our mind off the pain while still craving for more of it.

‘Rumplestiltskin’ however is a sure safe word. A set of safe words can also be used. Red to indicate extreme distress and the need to end the entire session, orange to indicate the need to stop that particular activity, yellow to indicate that you’re uncomfortable but still not at orange, green to indicate pleasure, enjoyment or a go-ahead signal. So yes, if you are with a person you trust to respect your consent, you can stop it by using your indicators.



Asmi Uniqus
 is an active BDSM practitioner and lifestyle coach based in India. She has been a lifestyle submissive for over 10 years now and is very vocal about her lifestyle choices. She believes in self–empowerment through empowerment of others; has a wide experience of writing both poetry and prose around themes of feminism, LGBT, sexuality and erotica. She has also been very active in several real-world BDSM communities and has close connections with a wide spectrum of other practitioners both in India and globally. The speaker is also the author of a series of simplified guides to various aspects of BDSM, which are undergoing the publishing process. She can be reached on Facebook or via email at: asmi.uniqus@gmail.com

Recommended Products

Hello You!

Enter your email address for stock alerts, discounts, promotions and more!

SEARCH THIS STORE