I recently indulged in the unfortunate pastime of witnessing a group of men successfully perpetuating notions of male ignorance, casual patriarchy and making asses of themselves in the general scheme of things on a Facebook post. The author had put up an article about the myth of the female orgasm, how she had personally faked it on most occasions and how the average male's notions of sex are far too influenced by porn, so much so that any hope of a man pleasuring a woman are already irretrievably lost. The article came from personal experience, but it's an all too familiar story and if we were to draw up stats, I'm pretty certain that you'd find this to be as universal and verifiable as gravity. To the men who read the post, this was a scathing indictment- an indictment that they chose to respond to with indifference, anger and a smattering of a couple of token sexist remarks.
"You haven't had sex with the right guy ;)".
"LOL. You're a feminist, no wonder."
This spectacular line of defense carried on for a while, nobody even acknowledging any of the irrefutable points made in the article. Misogyny online has become somewhat pedestrian, almost routine, expected. What I was actually shocked by was the number of men who genuinely felt that they were giving women orgasms. Which made me wonder, should we be faking our orgasms? Isn't it ultimately detrimental? Doesn't the act of not faking it help us take our orgasms back?
There are myriad reasons why women fake their orgasms, a large part of it just comes from the vagaries of living human life, and men have seldom accommodated these simple vagaries over the eons. Tiredness, fatigue and just not feeling in the mood, these have somehow become unacceptable in the chambers of patriarchy. Then there comes more complicated reasons; not wanting to upset your partner, or just the fact that most women don't experience orgasms through vaginal intercourse to the fact that the men involved in the act have misguided notions of what it takes to gratify a woman. The reasons can be numerous, individual and specific and it would take another blog to truly bring out the gamut of the issue. Ultimately though, it's not as though faking it is a dire sin, but the tendency to normalize the routine of faking gets too excessive for any sense of comfort or honesty. It's one thing to drop a white lie now and then, but an entirely different thing to be a pathological liar who believes their compulsion is ultimately a service to humanity.
So what are the alternatives? Well, it helps to have honest conversations with your partner. Talk about what you like, what you don't, what works for you, how they are probably getting some things terribly wrong. When you're not in the mood, just say so, there a better ways to kill time after all. The sooner we start having these conversations about sex and what sex means for us, the sooner men are probably going to stop using PornHub as a tutorial page (which is a horrible idea by the way, since most porno movies give the impression that women climax from simply having their nipples or clit touched for a second). So do your partner (and yourself) a huge favour, and talk about what you like and what turns you on. Or, if you don't want to talk about it, guide them by taking their hand and showing them how it's done. It'll be worth it! And by the way, there's nothing wrong with helping your partner out a little by introducing them to your favourite sex toy and showing them how to work it...