I recently indulged in the unfortunate pastime of watching a group of men perpetuate ignorance, casual patriarchy and generally making asses of themselves in a Facebook post. The author had put up an article about the myth of the female orgasm, how she had personally faked it on most occasions and how porn influences men's notions of sex, so much so that any hope of a man pleasuring a woman is already irretrievably lost. The article came from personal experience, but it's an all too familiar story. If we were to draw up stats, I'm pretty sure you'd find this nearly universal and verifiable as gravity. To the men who read the post, this was a scathing indictment that they chose to respond to with indifference, anger and a smattering of a few token sexist remarks.
"You haven't had sex with the right guy ;)".
"LOL. You're a feminist, no wonder."
This spectacular line of defence continued for a while, with no one acknowledging the irrefutable points made in the article. Misogyny online has become somewhat pedestrian, almost routine, expected. What actually shocked me was how men genuinely felt that they give women orgasms. Which made me wonder, should we be faking our orgasms? Isn't it ultimately detrimental? Won't the act of not pretending it help us take our orgasms back?
There are myriad reasons women fake their orgasms, most of which come from the vagaries of life, and men seldom accommodate these simple vagaries. Fatigue and just not feeling in the mood - these reasons are unacceptable in patriarchal chambers. Then there come more complex reasons; not wanting to upset your partner, or just the fact that most women don't experience orgasms through vaginal intercourse, and the fact that men don't get what it takes to gratify a woman.
The reasons can be numerous, individual and specific, and it would take another post to explore the issue's gamut. Ultimately, it's not as though faking it is a dire sin, but the tendency to normalize faking is excessive. It's one thing to drop a white lie now and then. Still, it is an entirely different metier to be a pathological liar who believes their compulsion is ultimately a service to humanity.
So what are the alternatives? Well, have honest conversations with your partner. Talk about what you like, what you don't, what works for you, and how they may get some things terribly wrong. When you're not in the mood, just say so; there are better ways than bad sex to kill time, after all.
The sooner we start having these conversations about sex and what sex means for us, the sooner men are probably going to stop using PornHub as a tutorial page (which is a horrible idea, by the way, since most porno movies give the impression that women climax from simply having their nipples or clit touched for a second).
So do your partner (and yourself) a huge favour, and talk about what you like and what turns you on. Or, if you don't want to talk about it, guide them by taking their hand and showing them how it's done. It'll be worth it! And by the way, there's nothing wrong with helping your partner out a little by introducing them to your favourite sex toy and showing them how to work it ...
