Our partners may be great at knowing how we like our sandwich, but might be completely in the dark about what we want in bed. Important discussions such as these often go overlooked or are actively avoided because of feelings of shame and awkwardness. You are not to blame for this - our society has made it so difficult to think of sex as normal. Bodies have been demonized in the Indian society where a menstruating woman is thought of as unclean. In such a society, where schools still don’t offer sex education, sex is a sensitive topic whether you are a man or a woman. Our sensitivity can in turn make it difficult for us to accept or give any feedback, which is crucial. If you don't tell your partner that what they are doing to pleasure you is not working, they would continue to do so.
Until I met my current partner, I found it extremely difficult to discuss how I wanted to be satisfied in the bedroom. Despite having multiple sexual partners, some long term and some only for a night or day, I could not orgasm - which goes to prove that having a lot of sex will not lead to an orgasm automatically. However, figuring out what we want and opening up to our partner about it is definitely worth a try, which is what I did. And the quality of my sex life improved significantly.
An honest conversation about sexual likes and dislikes can lead to some great sex even if you feel anxiety in discussing it initially. Firstly, it would improve your relationship. Secondly, it would improve your sex life. And better sex life leads to a positive outlook towards other areas in your life. According to the book ‘How to Think More About Sex’, our partners should be the people to whom we lay bare our most vulnerable self to, and telling them about our sexual desires is a huge part of it. Fear or rejection, shame and judgment may often stop us from expressing our wants, but in the long term, does that not lead to resentment?
If you’re unable to make your beloved happy over a period of time it could lead to lower confidence in one’s sexual performance. Sex is something that gets better with practice and improves the emotional connection. A good sex life is an important criterion for the health of a relationship.
A few things you could try is try and understand each other’s anatomy and how different a man and a woman are, if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. Understanding each other’s erogenous zones and points is another way to teach oneself in the art of making love. If one was to think of sex like a skill at which you can get better by practicing it and being open to feedback the sex talk wouldn’t seem as frightful. After all the best part of sex is in being able to make another human feel as much pleasure as they make you feel.
Written by Asmita Sarkar